dispatch from collapse: 3 weeks in

i’m coming up on 3 weeks off from work and people have started asking me how it’s going. usually in the form of a text, i get this thoughtful question from people showing me they’re thinking about me. and yet, i find the question exceedingly hard to answer. how do you concisely sum up the experience of becoming so run down by your chronic illnesses, including Long Covid, that you have to take a disability leave? what are 3 adjectives you might use to describe the experience of being unable to do any of the things you care about while also having the most liberated amount of time off from responsibilities you’ve ever had? there’s a lot to unpack, actually. here’s an attempt to hit the highlights of what i’m learning, noticing, experiencing.

1. i have forced myself to take the time to fully moisturize after a shower. i know i’m showing my whiteness with this, but moisturizing has not been a part of my life in any real way. when i was working i never felt like i had time. what was actually true is that i didn’t have the energy and self-maintenance dropped lower on the priority list than the things i needed to do to pay bills. i learned it actually takes me like… a long time to fully moisturize my body. i don’t have a small body and it’s cold and dry here in Minnesota. other things i’ve taken the time for that i wasn’t before: making the bed, choosing an outfit, taking nudes, exfoliating. it feels *indulgent* to spend the time and also it makes me sad to recognize this.
2. in some ways i feel physically and spiritually much worse than when i was working. 2.5 weeks in to my leave and my symptoms are as high as they were when i was working, higher even. despite sleeping more (like 10 hours+ a night), having no obligations on my time, and taking things slow, i’m actually feeling terrible. my hunch is that i was relying so heavily on caffeine and an always-on nervous system, that i’m actually still crashing as my body tries to re-regulate. most recently, my fatigue and muscle weakness has shown up in my hands- i can barely hold a phone, toss some popcorn in my mouth, hold a book. i pass my days literally just laying in different rooms of the house trying to hold up as few muscles as possible. it’s…. not awesome. extreme brain fog, memory loss, fatigue, muscle weakness and aches, and a smattering of other random symptoms still drive most of my day. and i gotta say, feeling this badly as i approach 3 weeks into my leave has me feeling *very* stressed about how to return to work. i’m still worrying about work even when i know i don’t have to be there for at least the next few weeks.
3. in some ways, i feel transformed by possibilities and dreams. i feel hopeful and excited for my personal future. i feel clearer than i ever have about the ways my industry has been exploiting me and everyone else in my field. i feel sturdier in some ways. i’m imagining ways to do the things i love in a context that doesn’t deplete me. i find my creativity has bloomed in this time off even though my body can’t always do the things that would help me express this creativity. i regularly have these profound moments of knowing, longing, and self-trust. smoking cannabis eases some symptoms and really helps me tap into this stream of creativity. smoking cannabis is still something i have a lot of internalized stigma and shame around (something for a future post).
4. i have not rested enough, yet. i’m not sure what i thought would happen but i definitely thought that after an initial recuperation period, i would be moving toward active recovery. i had planned on stretching, yoga, acupuncture, therapy, and a slow pace would allow me to start building stamina. it’s clear to me now at nearly 3 weeks in, that this process is going to be much much slower than i was hoping. my body craves more rest and will demand it with a crash of symptoms if i don’t listen. today, my agenda included shower, first vaccine dose, and therapy. my body immediately crossed that shower off the list because it wouldn’t fit in the energy window. 10 hours of sleep isn’t enough, lounging all day isn’t enough, cutting out activities and energy drains isn’t enough yet. i don’t know when i’ll find the bottom, equilibrium, enough. and. a question bangs around in my head: are you getting well enough to go back to work or are you getting well enough to stay well? it’s eminently clear that those are not the same kind of well.
5. it’s very very hard to do nothing even when nothing is all your body can do. it taps into feelings of wasted time, discomfort, and a strain to remain present.
6. Supernatural has met me exactly where i’m at, at my lowest levels of capacity, and for that, i am very grateful to this campy, terrible, adorable, comforting television show.
7. we are meant to live slower. we’re clearly NOT meant for the kind of work we’ve all been doing for decades. even the “good” working conditions you think you have are horseshit. we’re not fucking meant to work 40–90 hours/week. we’re not fucking meant to fit all of our rest into the weekends. we’re not fucking designed for maximum productivity. we’re not and i have never been so sure of that in my life. it has become an essential part of my thoughts to find a way out of this way of working because working like this will literally kill me if i don’t. becoming disabled by the world is radicalizing and i already thought i was pretty radical.

i have more thoughts, more ideas, more dreams, more questions, more inquiries, more emotions, more grief, more longing. there’s more. but this is where i am today.